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Subject: Assorted extracts 4 criticism
Replies: 14 Views: 1313
driverii 13.01.11 - 12:22pm
Ok here's some extracts from my uncompleted novel. Not giving away plot or anything just examples of some things that make me laugh and hoping you'll laugh too. Characters names blanked out. criticism appreciated. . . . . . extract 1 . . . . . .it had recently become apparent that x x xx knew next to nothing of recent history- and even more recently, even less of less recent history. . . . . .. . . . . . Extract2 . . . On a bitter winters night such as this: when the babbling brook had frozen solid and now lay buried beneath blankets of drifting snow; when a howling north easterly wind tore up through the gorge, ripped the smoke from the cottage's crooked tin chimney and shredded it to ribbons; when freeze dried shrubs scr*ped and clawed at the cottage's small square windows as if desperate to reach the warm glow within; one might reasonably have expected the owner to be tucked up warm and snug in bed, but she wasn't. x x x x x x was wearing a tight-fitting beekeeper's outfit and was leaping around her garden shouting and swearing and thrashing at the air with a carpet beater . A hypocritical observer- one who spies on remote mountain cottages at midnight when it is 20 degrees below zero- might have thought her a bit mad. *
driverii 13.01.11 - 01:09pm
x x x took three steps along the garden path and froze. what the...! What had once been a beautifully manicured green and luscious lawn now resembled a field- more specifically a field dating from 1916, in france, on the banks of the river somme. what the hell happened to my lawn? cried x x x. ah, see.. that'll be the rabbits' fault, xx said. rabbits don't do that to grass! protested xx. they do when they explode! *
rose01 13.01.11 - 02:06pm
On the first one.. why are u using so many long words one after the other? *
driverii 13.01.11 - 04:07pm
Extract 1? Don't think any of the words are long. The sentence is. Its supposed to look complicated and slightly confusing but that's the idea. you find yourself having to read it twice or more. . . Mirroring the fact that the character concerned also has a poor memory lol. *
rose01 13.01.11 - 07:08pm
Babbling brook Howling north wind Ripped the smoke.. u'r like trying too hard *
shadow27 13.01.11 - 07:10pm
ah! beekeeper.. i recall you saying long ago about bees playing a role in your story *
driverii 13.01.11 - 07:24pm
Oh that one rose. Er again yes i know its a long sentence. . Its the very 1st time the story visits that particular place and the 1st time we meet that particular character. I really wanted to set the scene describe the weather create an atmosphere then propel the reader straight into an odd situation. I felt i couldn't do that using short sentences. It would break up the flow. That's just me. Others might not like it. You'll be pleased to know there's only 4 or 5 occasions in the whole story when i do that. *
driverii 13.01.11 - 07:31pm
No positive comments so far lol. Its ok. I know ya cant really tell what's going on and i'm not gonna reveal anything of the plot. But all comments are appreciated. You have a very good memory shadow. *
shadow27 17.01.11 - 04:44am
lol it was about 3 or 4 years ago.. i did some topic about bees and had all this mythology in there. bees spread gossip.. pratchett talks about them sometimes. anyway i found your first excerpt interesting, will have to wait to read more. don't change your style too much to suit anyone! (waggingfinger.gif) you will just be diluting it. *
driverii 17.01.11 - 09:31am
Cheers shadow. I will listen to criticism but i've written re written read edited re edited all my stuff a million times. So much so i can pretty much remember every sentence in over 200 pages lol. So i'm happy with all the sentence structures and writing style etc. I'm always checking stuff to see if i can find a better way of sayin something or a better way of leading into next subject. I'm my worst critic... Its why i'm taking so long. That and fact its very complicated plot. As 4 bees the ancient greeks believed them to be messengers of the gods. . A fact i didn't discover until after i came up with exact same theory lol. I do have a whole story line involving bees and a soothsayer which is very much inspired by granny weatherwax. *
driverii 17.01.11 - 09:42am
The back story to the bees and the soothsayer could fill a book on its own. I love the characters of the soothsayer and the main bee. I have really good names 4 them which is why i blank them out lol. Can't beat a good character name *
gr4ce 18.01.11 - 08:07am
As you know from my attempts at writing, i like descriptions of settings if they create atmosphere. I like the mix of breathtaking beauty and sort of horror in the setting. Its kind of gothic/sublime x *
gr4ce 18.01.11 - 08:11am
Send me the 200 pages! I will critique for you lol , you know you want to! *
silvedew 18.09.13 - 03:09am
Hmm! A 'Bee-keeper'dressed in one of them space outfits running round at midnight____(than in the morning to find your lawn gone? (Dating back to ancient history)seems to me the persons Edward_scissorhands 
____ooh it kills the entire plot! :) *
sal40 16.11.19 - 12:19pm
am looking forward to reading the book x *
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